The Million Dollar Vegan Question

Over the course of my thirteen years vegan, I’ve learned what questions to ask when I order. Is there fish sauce or oyster sauce? Are there anchovies in the dressing? Is the pasta cooked in animal stock? Are the vegetables cooked in butter? Rarely do I even bother asking the grill question: is the veggie burger cooked on the same grill as the meat? What’s the point of asking the question for which you already know the answer? Yes, it’s all grilled together. Your veggie burger (which probably isn’t even vegan) will be suckin’ up some meat juice.

So, I’ve taken to not asking the question and not ordering veggie burgers. I order a salad (Can I have the Grilled Chicken Salad without the chicken and cheese? Oh, and no croutons, please.) and fries (Are the fries cooked in the same oil used for any other foods?). My brothers once timed how long it took me to order from the time I started to the time the waiter returned from asking the kitchen my questions. I thought three minutes was a pretty good showing.

Sometimes I risk it and just tell the waiter, I’m vegan. Do you know what that is? You do? Great! What do you recommend? Okay, that sounds fine. I’ll take the Chicken Salad without the chicken and cheese and a side of fries.

Sometimes I get a sub sandwich and ask the person preparing it to please wipe off the knife before they cut it. Sometimes I forget. Once, I ordered a sandwich without cheese and while a woman was making it, her coworker said, Oh, honey, give that woman more mushrooms. She’s not having cheese! And when I thanked her with eyes already glossing over, she said, I get you, honey.

Sometimes I walk into a restaurant and see vegan in print in the menu. Then, I sit back and just feel confident (except for that oh-so-skeptical voice in my head that doesn’t believe it’s possible).

Then, there’s the big moment.

Dedicated Vegan Grill. My favorite phrase in the English language.

When I see this or hear this, I feel that warm fuzzy feeling, like how I felt when someone pushed my thumb down in Heads-Up Seven-Up.

I don’t ask any questions. I just smile, and with giddy joy, say, I’ll have the organic sunburger with fries. Yes, I’d like the Veganaise substitute.

Thank you, Spa Café.